i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Please, let me fuck your mom
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
