I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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