She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ttyl tear gas
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
