I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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