this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
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I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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