If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
handjob tips. give me some.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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