I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
