i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
