I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
