If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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