I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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