I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
