he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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