I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
