I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
