i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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