Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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