Can i not drive my cunt home
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
