she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize