Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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