i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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