he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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