My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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