That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
