at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
