Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
