Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
