I got chris browned last night
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.