I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.