Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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