Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
