Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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