I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
