I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
