the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
