The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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