It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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