fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
