Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
