Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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