you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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