put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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