apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
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I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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