hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
