My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
