His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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