she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
