1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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