she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
