I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
