The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
