i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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