The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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