If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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