we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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