dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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