Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
