Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
