a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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